Men Vs. Women
Men and Women
Man:
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of
yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my
girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I
want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after
only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I
won't spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes
max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my
reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I don't
whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask
why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit
around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or
stab them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the
sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think
every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational,
reasonable, and logical too; 1know what the time is and I
know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to
have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch
sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than dealing
with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to
work; I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to
use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume it's
permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not
capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days;
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a
man by chance and I'm thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a
man and not a woman like you!
Woman:
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections;
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown;
and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt;
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch;
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm so glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing;
I do'nt have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back;
when I lean over you can't see three inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb;
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side;
I'm a woman you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me;
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball;
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand;
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep;
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see;
forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding; I don't cruise for chicks;
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true;
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
P.M.S.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW
to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the
dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And
once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find
the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN
YEARS. But if, by some miracle,
they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged across two
rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME
SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE
STUPID LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
Its A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12
FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS ....
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Men In The Store
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women,
she loved to browse.
Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the
local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom..
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning
he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box
back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has
been missing since Friday.
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