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Lists
Actual Instruction Labels...
- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Things Found Only in America
- Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
- Only in America do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk
in the garage.
- Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
- Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
- Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Top Twenty: Questions That Make You Go, "Huh?"
- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- What happens if you get scared to death twice?
- If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
- If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe,
you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in". but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two
hours?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at
things on the ground?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when
you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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